This was an experiment in immersion. On the living room carpet, a cluster of children sat around a television. I braided my friend’s hair while a princess lay sleeping, awaiting the kiss she’d been promised. When the man bent down to reach her, my tongue rubbed against the inside of my cheeks. I wondered if mouths had a flavor. The braid in my hands came loose and I started again. Conclusion: one day, this body could be shared with someone else. This was an experiment in line crossing. Heat radiated where our elbows touched on her quilt. My ears burned as she chattered beside me, going on and on about the boy she liked. She told me she feared kissing him. With a dry mouth, I told her she could practice with me if she wanted to. She turned away at first, laughing into her sleeve. But the mattress dipped as she faced me again. Her breath grew heavy. Static hummed on my face as the distance between us closed. She tasted like soda and lip gloss. Her braces clinked against my teeth. The taste lingered as she pulled away, turning back to her math worksheet without a word. Conclusion: I could offer my body, and it could be received. This was an experiment in compliance. Beer cans littered the tiles of a backyard porch, the smell of metal mixing with chlorine. Names were chanted, each answered by a splash, until the shouting was directed toward me. My stomach turned. Piece by piece I stripped. Buttons, zippers, clasps. Then only sweat touched my bare skin. The noise grew into an uproar as I climbed the board. Looking down, it all felt miles beneath me. I jumped. The water slapped against me like ice, consuming every sense and objection. When I surfaced, laughter rattled in my chest. My ears rang. Panting, vision blurring, teeth chattering. Electricity flooded me. Squealing and splashing about, I turned to cheer for the next contestant. Conclusion: conformity could be pleasurable too. This was an experiment in trust. We lay on top of his duvet, facing each other in dimmed lamp light. He held my hand in his, pressing it against his chest, and my other hand kneaded the curls at the base of his neck. He smelled freshly showered. Like sandalwood, sage. His hand moved to cup my face, and when he asked if he could kiss me, I told him yes. He seemed to hesitate, his eyes lingering on my face. I shriveled as he closed the distance between us. This was real. I was real. My hips shifted to let him roll on top of me. I found his hair again to pull him closer. Warmth buzzed against my skin. The weight of him buried me into the mattress. He broke away for a moment, searching my face, and I rose to kiss him again. When I felt him pressing back, the pit in my stomach curdled into something sweet, something heavy that made the world go still. Conclusion: this body couldn’t ever be invisible again. This was not an experiment. It was easier than a discussion. I sat on my boyfriend’s bed, watching him pace in front of me. I was silent, daring him to say something else. He wouldn't.
He threw up his hands and said he was done. He was going to sleep. My eyes followed him as he walked around me. He collapsed down on his back, eyes closed. I took in the way his jaw clenched, the lines on his forehead, the way his deep breaths made his whole body rise and fall. I wanted him gone. I asked him if he wanted to fuck. He said yes. When it was over he got in the shower. I cleaned myself off and packed a duffel bag with the things I could. My toothbrush and curling iron stayed behind. I put his key under his doormat and drove. Our last text message was his agreement to return mine by the end of the week. This was an experiment in performance. The mirror was hung on the closet door, facing the bed sideways. I could see my reflection in it as I rode him, his arms a blur around me. My shoulders looked rounded. I watched the glass as I drew them back, lifting my chest and correcting my spine. My thighs began to ache, the feeling climbing to my hips as he tightened his grip around me. I went slower, dragging out my movements and smoothing my hair. His face darkened against the glass, and when I looked at him again his eyes were on my chest. I rehearsed a sound in my head anyway, then let my mouth fall open. I turned to the mirror again. My mascara was smudged, necklaces tangled, and my hair clung to the sweat on my back. My face looked picturesque, like an actress I’d studied from a film. When I looked at him again, his face was scrunched and his eyes were squeezed closed. I let out a hum of contentment as he unraveled, right when I intended him to. Conclusion: this body could master its own conduct. This was an experiment in– No. It wasn’t. He wouldn’t stop talking. Telling me how beautiful I looked. That my scent drove him crazy. His fingertips felt like ants, like he could touch any part of me and a horde of them would swarm there. The sounds I made, he told me, were perfect, so perfect. He loved making me melt for him. When he stroked my hair my skin shriveled. I tried to jerk away but he didn’t stop. You’re unreal, you have no idea what you do to me. You’re so soft, so beautiful, you don’t even know how beautiful, when your face scrunches up and your whole body tenses. God, you make me crazy when you look at me like that. I could just drown in you. And I’d do anything for you. When you move that way I– I put my hand over his mouth. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. His breath stilled against my palm. We stared at each other. Somewhere across the room, the air conditioner clicked on. Who was I talking to? I brought my hand down and he rolled off of me, mumbling sorry, I’m sorry. I didn't move again until he'd showered and left and I was alone. My skin felt tight, like if I pressed too hard it'd wilt and peel off. When I got up to go to the bathroom the mirror was still foggy. I locked the door and scrubbed until it burned. Conclusion:
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I held my hand under the water as it filled the tub. Bath soap I’d gotten for my birthday, epsom salt from my running partner, lavender oil for the diffuser I never bought. Blood had soaked through my sheets as I slept, and I left them in a bundle on my bedroom floor. My hand pressed into my abdomen. I undressed slowly and lowered into the water, heat wrapping around my legs and the small of my back. A streak of red dissolved from my hips as I settled. I exhaled, the ache in my stomach tightening, and then loosening with my next breath. My head lulled toward the window, where I could hear birds flitting along the tree branches. When I closed my eyes, I could see them fluttering through an orchard, drinking along a glistening fountain littered with flower petals and moss. I stayed there, just like that, until the water around me turned cool.